A da Vinci Collection
by zeph317toho
Summary: An assortment of ficlets and drabbles originally posted on Tumblr, some from meme prompts and some inspired by other fics. They include all kinds of pairings and genres, so please read the warnings and pairings on each part. Everything from crack to angst.
1. Chapter 1

An assortment of ficlets and drabbles originally posted on Tumblr, some from meme prompts and some inspired by other fics. They include all kinds of pairings and genres, so please read the warnings and pairings on each part.

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Riario is a construction worker facing blatant objectification by his own personal fanboy.

 **Pairing:** Leo/Riario

 **Rating:** Teen? for language

 **WARNINGS for this story:** Verbal harassment, verbal sexual harassment, OOC, Do NOT act like this, this is not acceptable behavior, playing an old trope for laughs, Humor, Crack

 **NOTE:** This ridiculous ficlet was inspired by a mental picture from a scene in Meridian-Rose's beautiful drama I Have Something to Say which is part of her glorious Immortals AU and you should go read that instead of this blatant crack.

* * *

"You know, there is something very wrong about this," Alfonso said conversationally as he sat down beside Riario for their quick morning coffee break. "You two are doing it all backwards."

At Riario's blank, uncaring look, Alfonso helpfully elaborated and pointed, "You and your harasser. You do realize it's usually the other way around."

Riario scowled as he recognized the man coming down the sidewalk. Every weekday for the past two weeks, Riario had been the victim of the man's unwanted torment. Their construction site was just around the corner from the art gallery where the man apparently worked, at least according to Alfonso's gossip.

While Riario knew the reputation of construction workers as ungallant cads who screamed out unsolicited and sometimes filthy things at unsuspecting women walking past, the company that employed him was generally not that bad. He'd heard Alfonso call out to a few pretty faces, but they generally ignored him and Alfonso kept right on working.

This, though, was beyond the pale.

"Hey, hot stuff! When you're done pounding, I've got something you can nail!"

Sure enough, the catcaller was right on schedule, taking time from his walk to work to stand outside the safety fence, waving and grinning at Riario. Riario pointedly turned his back on the verbal attack, but Alfonso gave the guy a thumbs-up at the last taunt.

"Come on, sexy, wouldn't you rather find a nice stud for yourself? Then you can get to the screwing!"

Alfonso laughed and shoved an entire snack cake into his mouth while Riario pretended to ignore them both. He believed the man would get the message if he ignored him hard enough. Either the messenger never arrived or the man had shot it right off because he never seemed to catch on. The harder Riario ignored him, the more inspired he became get a reaction.

"You should play along," Alfonso said through the cake crumbs. "Maybe that would shut him up."

"I doubt that feeding him any kind of attention would result in anything but reinforcing his negative behavior."

"Huh?"

"If I talk to him, it will only act as positive reinforcement of a bad habit, and then he'll never change," Riario explained.

Alfonso eyed the man. "If you're interested in that kind of thing, he's not bad."

"It's awful hot today, construction guy. Shouldn't you take off some clothes to be more comfortable?" the guy shouted hopefully. Riario shuddered, and Alfonso cheerily flipped off the yeller for him.

"He's leaving now," Alfonso reported. "He looks a little heartbroken."

"Like that matters to me. His pestering is tedious."

"Eh, I'm telling you, if you'd actually confront him, he'd go away, like with bullies."

"And did that work for you? When you were bullying smaller children on the playground?" Riario hadn't known Alfonso as a youngster, but it was a likely guess.

Alfonso grinned. "Naw, it didn't work. Just made me want to hit them harder."

The idea took root with Riario, though, as he finished his morning's work. They were nearly finished with the front of the property, and his job would take him inside the next week. He should then be free of the annoyance of the man appearing right around coffee break and again during lunch.

Riario felt harassed and although he'd certainly never acted that way to women, he doubly vowed to be more respectful to every human being because no one deserved to be belittled and made to feel like meat.

But, he wondered if Alfonso might be right, that a little dramatic display of his own might shut up the man once and for all.

Riario timed it perfectly after lunch. He finished eating and climbed up on the second level of scaffolding right above the street, where they had finished their actual work days before, and waited.

Sure enough, right on schedule, the man came rushing around the corner looking concerned for once, glancing at his watch and clutching a large takeout cup.

Riario took a deep breath, reminded himself this was for vengeance, and stripped off his T-shirt. He did it quickly, still shocked at his own boldness. He couldn't look down to see if the harasser had even noticed. Riario kept his eyes on the sky, ran his hand down over his chest and abs, looking like he was caressing his own hard, muscled body, then picked up a bottle of water and shook it over his head, letting it run over his face and downward, over his chest, his peaking nipples, his contracted stomach down to the waistband of his jeans that led to his...

 _Sproing_ —the sound reverberated up to where he was standing, the unmistakable noise of an unstoppable force meeting an immovable surface, much like a body striking a metal object. He opened his eyes and peered down into the street where his stalker was lying on his back beside a lamp post. The coffee had spilled all over his front and he was blinking blearily, metaphorical birdies flying in circles around his head.

From somewhere below, Alfonso couldn't stop laughing, couldn't catch his breath as he tried to yell for the crew to come and look. Riario felt a terrible pang of guilt and swung down from the scaffolding against all safety regulations to run to his side.

The guy was sitting up, holding his head, and groaning.

"Are you all right?" Riario had to ask, not sure if he should touch the man as he knelt beside him.

"Unnnh," was all he said.

"Perhaps we should call an ambulance?"

"Give him mouth-to-mouth!" Alfonso hooted from behind him, the rest of the men crowding the fence and laughing uproariously.

The man had the audacity to blink up at him and grin. "If I pretend to be unconscious, will you do it?"

"You are fine," Riario said disgustedly, but the man's hand whipped out and grabbed his arm as he started to rise.

"I'm Leo, and you are the fine one."

"So I've heard you say. Although that was one of the more polite things you've shouted."

"Sorry about that," Leo said, sounding not the least bit apologetic. "So is mouth-to-mouth off the table?"

"You need help," Riario said, getting up and dusting off his knees.

"You work good with your hands. Think you could fix me up?"

"I could fix you permanently." Riario didn't know the picture he made, hands on his hips, shirtless and glistening with sweat and water, until Leo grinned brightly.

"May I draw you?"

"No."

"May I keep watching you work?"

"No."

"May I take you out to dinner to apologize for acting like a brainless cretin?"

"No."

"Go out with him, Girolamo, and put him out of his misery." Alfonso made a vulgar motion to go with the suggestion.

"Your friend seems smart," Leo said, still clinging to hope.

"Speaking of brainless cretins..." Riario stuck out his hand and Leo took it without question, letting Riario help him to his feet. Then he took a dramatic stumble toward Riario, making him grab his arms quickly to stabilize him. From Leo's grin, he realized the stumble had been deliberate, but he didn't let go. "If I agree to dinner with you, will you leave me alone?"

"Depending on how things go, I can't promise that. If all goes well, I might get even more obnoxious."

"Perish the thought," Riario murmured and Leo shivered.

"You've got an unbearably sexy voice. I've never heard you speak before."

"Are you sure you didn't concuss yourself?"

"I've got a hard head. Come on, one dinner?"

"I feel as if I agree to this, I am problematic to everyone who has ever endured an unsolicited catcall or wolf-whistle."

"Have you ever noticed how many expressions have animal references? I, for one, have never heard a wolf whistle," Leo said and Riario wondered if he were always that nonsensical or if he'd actually injured his head. "But I was pleasantly surprised by how many sexual innuendos one can make based on construction and building terms."

"Yes, and I do believe you've managed to shout most of them at me."

"I'm sorry. It was your beauty that moved me to inspiration."

Riario raised an eyebrow. "And now you are blaming the victim?"

"If I promise to change, will you go out with me? Please? One dinner?

"One, and you quit acting like this in public."

"Deal, I won't call you a sexy beast in public. But I make no guarantees about in private."

"Kiss and seal the deal," Alfonso's voice called out.

"Do I need to show you the range of the pneumatic nail gun again?" Riario asked in the quiet, conversational tone that the crew knew meant was his deadliest threat. Alfonso audibly gulped and walked away, shooing and yelling at the crew to get back to work.

"Tonight, I'll swing by at quitting time," Leo winked as he walked away then yelled back. "Leave the shirt off but wear the tool belt."

Riario didn't know what he was getting himself into.

The end


	2. Chapter 2

Zo is getting a little tired of saying the same thing.

* * *

This was written for a prompt from Meridian-Rose from a meme on Tumblr. She requested: "Don't you ever do that again!" Your choice of DvD pairings/ot3/friends. I was so taken by this joke that I made this little AU world for them.

 **PAIRING:** Leo/Zo/Riario

 **RATING:** Teen? for language

 **WARNINGS:** none really? It takes place in an AU world after the end of S3.

* * *

"Don't you ever do that again!" Zo shouted over the cacophony of falling metal and wood, shielding his head as best he could from the deluge, coughing from the dust and debris all around him.

"What?" Leo shouted back, grinning although his ears were ringing from the explosion that had rocked his workshop and taken out the new cannon he was designing along with a sizable chunk of roof.

"Don't you ever do that again!" Zo shrieked the next day when Riario held up the dagger with an innocent, wide-eyed expression. Zo scrabbled at his hair, breathing in relief when his shaggy curls all seemed in place. Until Riario opened his free hand to show a large lock of shorn hair with a shrug and a glint of pure evil in his grin.

"I have to demonstrate the efficacy of our steel to our customers. You can see how well the blade holds its edge, even against such a rough texture." Riario turned away to flourish the blade to a wealthy merchant and Zo mimed strangling him behind his back.

 _"Don't you ever do that again!" Zo had shaken Leo as hard as he could, as if it would manage to give him sense when clearly God, the Blessed Mother and his own damned parents had certainly failed him in that department._

 _"I had to Zo. I couldn't leave him like this." Leo had bent over the still form of Riario, checking his breathing and pulse. When they'd arrived in Rome and Leo had found out about Riario, he'd rushed in where angels would have feared to tread, informing Zo that he had a rescue plan, but not bothering to share that it referred to meeting Riario in private, clocking him over the head, and bundling him out of the Vatican wrapped in an old rug, with a bag over his head._

 _"Just promise me, don't ever do something that fucking stupid again," Zo had grumbled, slapping the reins on the horse's rump, starting the cart down the road although he still wasn't sure where in Italy they could safely go._

 _"I won't have to. I've got everything I need now," Leo had said, and Zo refused to turn around and look at the picture he would make, snuggling with the unconscious Riario as Zo smuggled them out of the city. Zo supposed Leo was right, but he'd never admit it._

"Don't you ever do that again," Zo slurred, rolling onto his back and stretching out his aching muscles.

"Not ever?" Leo pouted, rising up on an elbow above him, and Zo couldn't resist that look, now could he? Leo leaned down and kissed him, grinning against his mouth. Zo moaned wearily when a hand stroked down his chest from his other side.

"I thought it was my turn next," Riario purred in his ear, biting the lobe and taking the earring between his teeth to tug.

"Well, maybe just once more," Zo let himself be convinced and realized he was totally, utterly fucked.


	3. Chapter 3

Riario believes he must convince another reluctant ally to join the crusade.

* * *

This is angst and dark, much darker than I usually write. **WARNING:** mentions of dub-con, mentions of reluctant sex, mentions of sex for profit, no explicit sex.

When Laura made the comment in S3E2 that Riario should convince her to join the Crusade, it made me wonder in a terrible way if Riario had been placed in that position before of convincing a reluctant ally. His reaction to her statement seemed odd, and Sixtus is such a horrible person that I fear he would have used Riario as a bargaining chip in any way he could.

 **PAIRING:** None

 **RATING:** M for subject matter

 **WARNINGS:** mentions of dub-con, mentions of reluctant sex, mentions of sex for profit, no explicit sex

* * *

Riario had enjoyed his brief confrontation with Signora Cereta. Her frank talk and straightforward attitude was refreshing after all the deceitfulness and flat-out lies he was surrounded by in the Vatican. She was shrewd and faithful in a way he rarely saw. When she came looking for him at prayer in the chapel, he thought her strategic plans interesting, and her obvious distaste for Sixtus only another point in her favor.

That disappeared like smoke when she glanced at him and said, "I will extend my stay in Rome. I suggest you use the time to convince me."

Riario jolted a little before he could stop himself, could school his features into their usual blank mask. He closed his eyes and went back to prayer, hearing her murmurs beside him a while longer before she stood and left.

Riario escaped to his own quarters as soon as she was gone. He seethed, but there was nothing he could do now. Both prevailing forces in his life—his father and his brothers in the Labyrinth—were pushing for a gathering of armies, a Crusade, and he had been ordered to make it happen. If it meant stooping so low…

How could he argue with his father now, when he had done it in the past? When Alessandro had taken him from the monastery, claimed him as his son, Girolamo would have done anything to please him—and had.

Just as Alessandro then Sixtus had taken advantage of that attitude to make Riario do anything to further his own interests. Not all of his dealings involved blood and murder. Enough of them were with men who had looked at Girolamo hungrily, and Alessandro had just shrugged and ordered him off. To seal the deal. Or as a bonus for their support.

And Riario had done it to secure his father's position and to earn his blessing.

This was the first time Sixtus had ever deigned to ask for a woman's help, but Riario had promised he could be delicate and he would deliver Venice to the Crusade. Riario had thought those days were long past, of being being forced to use his body as collateral, but now he prepared.

He found a better bottle of wine than His Holiness normally provided for guests, but Riario figured he would at least benefit from the stronger libation. He unbelted his sword and reluctantly placed his daggers aside. He opened his doublet, removed his scarf, and taking a deep breath, unbuttoned the neck of his shirt, his mind going unbidden to da Vinci and his friends who seemed to have never met a shirt they could figure out how to close. Then he shut the door on those thoughts, needing to bottle up any good memories when he was about to do this.

At least he shouldn't have to worry about his own body's reactions—he had found the Signora attractive, at least, which was a pleasant change, but he wasn't sure what she would expect. Perhaps he would be spared from the humiliations some men had desired when he was at their mercy.

He removed his cross, gently laying it on his pillow. Then he poured himself a glass of wine and took a long drink to steel himself.

He knocked quietly on her door, not sure how bold he should be. All the times before, when he was younger, all Sixtus had to do was present him or send him to a certain guest room late at night, and it was as though he'd been gift-wrapped when the door was opened, men of power all but slavering to get their hands on him.

He wasn't sure if Signora Cereta would want to at least pretend in the normal gender roles of their positions. If she would appreciate a seduction.

She called out, asking who it was, and he quietly announced himself.

She opened the door a crack. "Girolamo. Is there something wrong?"

He flourished the bottle of wine where she could see it. "I thought perhaps you would like a drink, something better than what our housekeepers provide?"

She hesitated, looked him up and down, then opened the door and let him in. He took in the room in an instant, made sure there was no one else there, and set down the wine.

"The hour is late, and it has been a most trying day. I was just preparing for bed," she said. Riario had already seen she was still fully dressed. Perhaps she had been waiting for him to help her.

He stepped closer to her, noticing that she stayed near the door, wondered if she were going to lock it so they would not be disturbed. "I am sorry you have had such a tumultuous experience here in Rome. If there were anything I could do to make it … more pleasurable?" he made himself ask.

Laura tilted her head and looked at him closely again. "Thank you, but the hospitality you have shown already is more than enough."

"But, if there were any way that I could convince you to make an alliance with us. Anything I could do to help sway your opinion?"

"My opinion of Sixtus has been the same for some time," she said dryly. "And now I'm forming quite a different opinion of you. I think perhaps it is time for you to retire as well, Girolamo."

"Very well," if that is how she was going to put it, he stepped up to her and she backed against the wall. His hands sought her waist and he leaned toward her for a kiss; he never saw the slap coming until his ear rang from the force behind it.

"What are you doing?" she asked, voice cold and bosom heaving, but only from anger and not passion.

Riario carefully let go of her and stepped back. He couldn't meet her eyes. "I am sorry. I think there was a misunderstanding."

"I think it was more than a misunderstanding," she said. "Why did you come here, Girolamo?"

He cleared his throat. "I came to convince you—"

"Is this because of what I said in the chapel earlier?"

"Yes. I thought you were implying—"

"That I wanted you to seduce me? Or force yourself on me? That somehow you were to pay me sexually to join your Crusade?" Her voice was angry, incredulous, but her tone was steady and unafraid. Riario admired her even more.

"I apologize, Signora. This was a mistake. I only thought to secure your support for our cause." Riario kept his hands clasped in front of him even though his cheek still stung from her slap. She was quiet, but he couldn't dare look up at her.

"You are well-known as the intermediary for Sixtus and his ambitions. I'd wager you often have to gather support for his causes, no matter how ridiculous or galling they may be." She spoke plainly, but Riario was suddenly afraid where the conversation was headed.

"I obey His Holiness and all his orders," Riario murmured.

"You poor boy," she said. "How many times has he forced you to do something like this?" This time the kindness and softness in her voice made him step back, and he couldn't help but look at her. There was nothing but tenderness in her expression, some sadness, some pity, but instead of angering him, it made him feel ashamed.

When she stepped toward him, this time, it was he who backed away. "I pray you can forgive me for my egregious mistake, Signora. I will leave you now and you have my personal vow that you will be undisturbed for the rest of your stay. I—"

"Girolamo, sit down," she said. He was already backing into a chair, so he sat. She moved to the wine and poured him a generous amount. She stood before him while he drank. "Now, button your coat and let us discuss this."

"There is nothing to say."

Laura sighed and took the chair beside him. "I don't think I want to know how long your father has been ..." there was a moment when she appeared to struggle for the proper word. Riario could think of a few, but she chose the diplomatic way. "How long your father has been making you go to these lengths for his own selfish gain. Only a monster would do that."

"He is the head of God's flock on earth," Riario reminded her.

She snorted, such an unladylike sound that he had to bury his smile in the wine. "He is the old goat who bullies brainless sheep into following him blindly. You need to protect yourself, my dear boy, and forget his odious schemes."

"I am bound to him," Riario answered. He was bound to too many, and not all of them by choice. He jerked when Laura laid a gentle hand on his forearm. He knew she noticed the movement, and she pulled away just as gently.

"You do not owe him that. Never that," she said firmly. "And I certainly was not referring to that when I spoke with you in the chapel. I meant that I would stay here in Rome and hope to spend time talking with you, learning who you are as a man and as a leader before I would pledge our forces to you. I am not a sheep, and I want to make sure you are not either."

"And now you've seen what I truly am. I am sure you are gravely disappointed," he murmured.

She sighed. "There are myriad facets to each of us. What you have been forced to do is much different from what you would choose to do, given the same situation. You will only disappoint me, Girolamo, if you do not learn from this."

He inclined his head to her. He saw her reach out again but she did not touch. "Perhaps you will lunch with me tomorrow?" she asked. His head flew up in surprise. "We can pretend this little incident never happened. It was a misunderstanding and no harm was dealt. Let us start off on a new foot tomorrow?"

He nodded, unable to express his relief that he hadn't destroyed all the potential of an alliance with Venice. And relieved that she was willing to overlook his unseemly behavior.

He finished his wine and stood, and she escorted him to the door. "Thank you, Signora, for your kindness and understanding. I will look forward to speaking with you at luncheon."

"If we spend time together, it will be in discussion of what you have in mind for a Crusade. Bring your plans and your strategies," she said.

"I will."

"And, Girolamo? Never let your father dictate this to you again. Promise me that you will not throw away your own honor at his whim?"

He could not agree, could not even nod, but he reached out and took her hand, bringing it to his lips and kissing the knuckles. She allowed it, then pulled free and patted his cheek, hard, making him realize it still ached. "That was not a promise."

"I will do whatever is necessary to ensure our plans are a success," he said, unsure if he referred to Sixtus or the Labyrinth or both.

"Then I look forward to changing your mind," Laura said as she opened the door. "Good night, Girolamo."

"Good night," he said and left. She was truly an astonishing woman. He would look forward to getting to know her.


	4. Chapter 4

The only true 100-word drabble I've ever written.

* * *

For Meridian-Rose for a mini fic meme. She requested Leo/Riario: things you said after you kissed me So here are Leo and Riario, take your pick. ;D

* * *

"You kissed me," he touched his lips in amazement. No matter how many times he'd thought about it, fantasized about it, dreamed about it, he'd never actually dared believe it would ever happen. Certainly not this way.

"I thought you wanted— Was that wrong?" the kisser stepped back, suddenly unsure, the expression alien on his face, but he grabbed him firmly by the waist and pulled him close again.

"Only if you stop now," he smiled against his lips and kissed him back until they both forgot their suspicions and inhibitions and fears and didn't need to talk any more.


	5. Chapter 5

For a mini fic meme, the wonderful and long-suffering Meridian-Rose gave me Leo/Zo, things you said in the rain.

* * *

"It's raining," Zo said, squinting up at the sky and the dark clouds gathering over them.

"So it is," Leo said, lifting his face and shutting his eyes as the warm drops fell on him.

"The question is, why the fuck is it raining? What did you do? The sun was shining not two minutes ago."

"Why do you always blame me… yes, fine, I was attempting to see if I could— you see I believe that if I can manage to—"

"You know what, never mind. I'm not going to understand your mumbo jumbo anyway."

"It's not a bad idea, though. If I could learn how to control and influence the precipitation, think of the good we could do for farmers—"

"Leo, do you really think you should be playing with the weather?" Zo took his shoulder and shook gently. "Then again, you've never had sense enough to come in out of the rain, why would you start now?"

"Well, that's why I have you, isn't it?"

Zo looked at Leo blinking slowly, raindrops stuck on his lashes, rolling down his face like tears and slicking his lips. Zo sighed. "Yeah, I guess that is what I'm here for. Now, you wanker, let's go dry off. We're getting drenched."

Leo grinned and clapped his shoulder, and Zo thought surviving a sudden shower wasn't too bad now and again as long as it made Leo shine like the sun.


	6. Chapter 6

From a drabble prompt meme: for the illustrious Szaszszlik who asked for "The paint's supposed to go where?" Leo/Zo.

* * *

 **PAIRING:** Leo/Zo

 **RATING:** Teen? for language?

 **WARNINGS:** It's a modern AU that is fluffy crack.

* * *

"Leo," Zo was going to give it one more try, "that's not the way the instructions show—"

"Fuck the instructions," Leo muttered as he tried to make the two pieces fit Tab A into Slot B. "Hand me that screwdriver, no, the other one."

"I'm telling you Leo, that bed frame was not supposed to—"

"And I'm telling you that the original design is completely inefficient. I can fix it with just a little more..." A piece that looked rather important was wrenched off and discarded. Zo watched it fly over Leo's shoulder and sighed.

"I can respect that you want to totally reverse engineer a simple bed frame, but if we want to get any kind of rest tonight, can you at least finish it up soon?"

"The paint's supposed to go where?" Leo propped up what Zo thought was supposed to be the footboard and looked at it thoughtfully.

"I think it goes the other way around otherwise..." Zo's voice trailed off as Leo's fingers twitched and he muttered to himself, his mind probably already creating fifteen different designs for bed frames that eclipsed their new sale purchase from a big-name box store.

It was the first night together in their new apartment, and Zo had thought something would make it feel more domestic, more special, more like home, as they took the big step in their relationship. Instead, Leo had spent most of the evening cursing and trying to put together the frame that he was now hammering into place with the rough, unfinished wood on the outside and the black matte paint inside, probably with a perfectly good explanation as to why he'd chosen to reverse it, even though it looked like shit.

Zo huffed and went back to the living room where their queen-sized mattress and box springs awaited their final destination. He wrestled them out of the plastic wrappers himself and put the mattress directly on the carpeted floor. Then swore when he realized they hadn't bothered to buy new sheets, and his threadbare doubles wouldn't fit. _Shitty ending to a shitty day,_ he thought, and lay down anyway, arm over his eyes, and tried to block out the pounding noises and frustrated curses from the next room.

He didn't realize he'd dozed off until he jerked awake when Leo snuffled in his ear. "The fuck," he mumbled, but Leo manhandled him back into what he probably thought was a comfortable position and curled up tightly around him.

"I wondered where you'd gone. I spent five minutes asking you to help me hold the headboard so I could fasten it properly."

"Is it done?" Zo muttered without much hope.

"It's together," Leo said slowly, "but I don't think it's going to stay that way for long. Now, if I had more steel braces for reinforcement—"

"Leo, we tried that frame in the store—remember the rhythmic bouncing and humping motions you tried that nearly got us booted out?—and it was perfectly sturdy enough to meet all our needs. What did you do?"

"I may have made a few modifications, but surely—"

"Is it going to collapse if I drag you and this mattress in there right now and fuck you on it?"

There was a long pause before Leo said. "Is that an option?"

"Will it or will it not break?" Zo challenged.

Leo's hand sneaked from Zo's shoulder downward as he answered, "In that case, I think we're better off keeping the mattress on the floor."

Zo grabbed Leo's hand with his own and urged it toward its ultimate goal. "Then maybe we should give the mattress a test right here. And tomorrow, you are reading those instructions and fixing that frame properly. Got it?"

Leo nodded since his mouth was already busy on Zo's neck. Then he pulled off to whisper, "This feels like home now that I'm with you."

Zo leaned back into his embrace. "Yeah, I guess you're right," he agreed and turned his head for a kiss. Even if he had to put up with subpar furniture, anywhere with Leo felt like home.


	7. Chapter 7

Another cracky humor fic, this one written for a pic prompt on Tumblr. Many huge thanks to romibsauce for giving so much to our fandom!

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 **Rated:** T for suggestive humor?

 **Pairing:** attempted Riario/Leo

 **Warnings:** Crack and bad humor. Make sure you check out the original post for the glorious photos that inspired this nonsense. But I can't link it here on FFN because they suck.

* * *

Riario was running out of ideas, and he was growing more desperate by the day. He was known as the papal attack dog, the captain-general of the church, he ruled men and entire cities with the wave of his hand.

So why couldn't he attract the attention of the one person he wanted—the only individual in all of Italy who confounded and amazed him? Whilst leaving him shaking with rage and possibly some other unnamed emotion he was not keen to define.

He had tried blackmail, torture, threats and stalking.

And it had gotten him nowhere. He couldn't even properly explain his fascination with the hedonist artista, but Riario wanted his attention. He would do anything to get it.

He had nothing left to try but a blatant frontal attack that would demonstrate his strength.

So he waited until da Vinci was undressing one night, was shirtless and sweaty, probably at his most vulnerable, and he attacked.

"What the fuck was that for?!" Leo yelled after Riario broke in and slapped him. "What are you doing? And why are you not wearing a shirt? Or trousers?"

Riario had no good answer, so he undertook a strategic advancement to the rear and returned to Rome empty-handed. His bed was empty too.

Since his plan to provoke da Vinci outright had failed miserably, Riario was forced to try his last-ditch effort. He had been taught to never show weakness or capitulate to those lesser than him, but perhaps he could, indeed, catch a fly better with honey than vinegar. So he presented da Vinci with a special gift.

It had taken bribes and some more stalking to find out the artista really liked dead bodies. He either bought them from his reprobate acquaintance or found them himself. It alarmed Riario a bit just how much da Vinci seemed to like dead bodies, and he wondered if part of the reason that he couldn't attract the artista's attention was the fact that he was actually alive, but he chalked it all up to da Vinci's studies of the human body (oh, if he would only study his).

So Riario brought da Vinci a fresh corpse, rife with mystery, and waited to be invited to share in his autopsy.

He was sadly disappointed when da Vinci instead started holding a conversation with the dead man and got out a terribly large knife with a bright smile on his face. Riario backed slowly out of the room to let them have alone time.

Riario finally went to the one man who never had any trouble getting what he wanted—he asked Sixtus. True, he had picked a bad time, but it seemed as though his father was always in the bath or with naked young men or plotting war, so he cleared his throat and quietly asked if he had any suggestions for how Riario could gain the attention of da Vinci.

He didn't catch the smirk on his father's face as he told Riario that perhaps he wasn't man enough to master the artista, perhaps he had to show him his _equipment_ to win him over.

The thought that da Vinci might think him lacking in any way was abhorrent and he remedied it as soon as possible. He was determined to show the artista that he had the biggest gun in Renaissance Italy and he certainly knew how to use it.

Leonardo would have to be impressed.


	8. Chapter 8

So, I had this idea for a post-S3 AU that I wrote in an earlier ficlet as CHAPTER 2 of this collection, and the idea continues to stick with me. Many thanks to the prompter IdrisEleven for letting me combine her prompts and continue this a little bit.

* * *

 **Rating:** T? for angst and language?

 **Pairing:** pre-Leo/Riario and pre-Leo/Zo/Riario

 **Warning:** Angst, kind of spoilers for the end of S3, mentions of suicide. Please read Chapter 2 of this Collection for the first ficlet that sets up the AU a little bit.

 _Idriseleven requested 3. "I don't want your pity, I want your absence." and 20. "It's 8:30, I have a hangover and you're annoying me." (I had to change this a wee bit because of timekeeping reasons). With Riario and Zo? Doesn't have to be RiariZo at all, and I kind of expect them to hate each other. Leo can be there if you want, or anybody else, but those two please?_

Um, I'm sorry? This got dramatic and angsty. :(

* * *

Zo looked up blearily when the bastard dropped a large number of very loud objects onto the table where he'd been resting his head.

"Fuck off," Zo grumbled, but the asshole only glared at him. Zo figured it was his new default setting because it was the most frequent expression Zo ever saw on his cursed face.

"Leonardo said to carry these into the kitchen," was all Riario replied before crossing his arms over his chest and glaring down some more.

"Leonardo said," Zo mimicked in a high, sing-song voice then clutched his head when it throbbed anew. "Well, you obeyed. Now fuck off. It's early, I have a hangover and you're annoying me."

"There is much work to be done sorting out the stable and making it into a proper workshop. Your assistance, unskilled as it may be, is better than none."

"And I told you, I have a splitting headache and the less said about my stomach the better, so just go back to Leo and tell him I'm taking the day off."

Riario tilted his head and speared Zo with his other expression, the I-can-see-through-you-and-you-are-sorely-lacking face. It was a look he only showed Zo, never Leo. "Do you want me to tell Leonardo that you are in here still feeling the effects of last night and feeling sorry for yourself? Or do you expect me to feel sorry for you too?"

Zo knew he was regularly drinking to excess, but he had excellent reasons. He was drinking to forget most of everything in the past year, actually, and the biggest reason was standing in front of him.

"I don't want your pity, I want your absence," Zo said, and how sad was his life that he actually missed the smirking air of superiority the old Riario would have given him.

The evil fuck sucked in a breath and straightened, and Zo tensed, waiting for an explosion, but Leo was hustling into the room and his movement and then familiar bump against Riario's hip, made Riario let out the breath slowly, without untoward violence. Zo sighed gratefully, despite himself.

Leo looked from Zo's face to Riario's and back. "I thought we weren't playing bait him anymore," he said to Zo sharply, and damn it, it hurt. After everything they'd gone through, everything Zo had done for him, for them both, and this was his thanks, always taking the side of the mindless fuck. Speaking of…

Leo turned to Riario and gently grasped his forearm. Zo didn't need to look up to see the expression on Riario's face soften as his arms dropped away from their defensive posture. Zo did look away from Leo's little smile of approval and stared into the fireplace as Leo carefully said, "Girolamo, there's still one load I couldn't carry. Would you mind bringing it in?"

Zo had to glance around to see the tiny movement at the corners of the son of a bitch's mouth that indicated his acquiescence. That was an expression only Leo ever got to enjoy. Leo smiled back encouragingly and Riario inclined his head then left. As soon as the door shut behind him, Leo rounded on Zo.

"What the fuck are you doing?" he yelled as quietly as he could. Zo knew he'd lowered his voice so Riario couldn't hear, but he'd like to think that it was also out of respect for Zo's raging headache.

"I'm currently bemoaning every single one of my life choices since the moment I met you," Zo grumbled.

"I mean about provoking him," Leo gestured toward the door. "How many times have I told you that I'm still not sure if the re-conditioning worked and that the only way I can keep him stabilized is by staying on his good side."

"I don't know if you, in your infinite wisdom, have noticed, maestro, but he only has a good side for you. And you're all that he talks about, when he can be arsed to talk. It's always Leo says, Leo wants, did you have to reprogram him to be your mindless drone?"

Leo looked appraising which surprised Zo. "I hadn't noticed that," Leo said quietly.

"Well, of course not. When you're around, he's almost nearly somewhat sane," Zo paused for effect, "or as sane as the fucker ever was."

Leo sighed, "Just please stop antagonizing him."

"And we're supposed to walk on eggshells the rest of our lives?" Zo wasn't ready to let it go. "Speaking of which, how long are we going to be forced to hide here in Vinci? It's fine for you while you gad about playing house and attempt to retrain him like a broken gelding," Leo bristled but Zo pushed on, "but some of us have lives to live and business to get back into, and I don't think that retiring to the country is what I had in mind after I survived hell."

"Then go," Leo said shortly. "I told you that I had to save him."

"And you did, before, in Florence," Zo reminded him. "This is all his fault now. It was his choice."

"None of this is his fault," Leo argued.

"Well, what are you going to do about it now? You can't keep watching him all day and all night. How long are you going to keep chaining him up?"

"He's improving. You've seen it, Zo. His episodes are much fewer, and I'm only forced to tie him up when we sleep, mostly for your own feeling of security."

"But how long are you going to keep at it, Leo? Or are you going to make him a slave permanently?"

Leo's eyes flashed, and Zo knew he'd gone too far. It didn't stop him, though. "What are you going to do if you are forced to admit you can't fix him, that is, if he allows us to live through the experience?"

"I have beaten insurmountable odds. I have traveled to unknown lands and I have succeeded in defeating an army. His fits are not coming as often; I'm making great progress. I will save him!"

Riario had opened the door and was inside before either Zo or Leo noticed. Zo winced as he walked toward them slowly, Zo scanning the table for a suitable weapon and even Leo slid toward the fireplace and its tools. Riario either ignored them or didn't care as he placed his load on the table between them.

"Zoroaster raises some interesting points," Riario said in a low voice, carefully not looking at either of them.

"From the mouth of the devil," Zo muttered, and Leo made a cutting gesture at him.

"How long do you think it is safe for us to stay here? Until someone puts it all together and comes looking for me, or you?" Riario asked, still staring down at the table.

Leo cleared his throat. "Let's just say I can envision this as a hideaway, a place to heal and be safe for the moment. We can live like this for as long as we need to, and after that, I have ideas, more projects and inventions that neither Florence nor Rome has imagined. We can start anew."

"And if I am not well," Riario said, and Leo started to object but Riario held up a hand. "If I have not returned to myself soon," he shot a wry glance at Zo, "to a sane and rational mind," he corrected dryly, "then I will take matters into my own hands."

"No," Leo said as Zo made a noise of disgust. "I will never allow you to— what was that? Did you hear that?"

"I can't hear anything over the pounding in my head," Zo groaned as Riario shook his head in the negative.

"I thought I heard riders. Wait here, stay inside, I'll go check." Leo dashed outside without taking one of the crossbows he and Zo had hidden from Riario.

Zo thought Leo was becoming more and more paranoid as the days went on and they weren't sure if there even was a search out for them and Count Riario. Leo often started awake thinking he'd heard an attack coming, if he even dared to sleep.

That was another reason for Zo to drink—it gave him a few hours of restless darkness before waking up to the reality, that of Riario now staring at him. Zo's head hurt more than ever, tension adding to the general hangover, and he was sure that he was going to throw up. Only his pride kept him from doing it in front of the whoreson who stood before him.

Riario cleared his throat and his eyes fluttered to where Leo had run out the door. "Leonardo tends toward over-enthusiasm and arrogance about his own talents," he said. "But you and I, we see the world more clearly, without his pride and over-confidence. If I have not fully recovered in one month… or if I attempt again to take his life or endanger either of you, then I want you to do what is necessary."

Zo stared at him, mouth gaping. It was true he'd tried to kill Riario. And enthusiastically encouraged others to murder him. But it was far different to have the fuck in question asking him to do the honors.

"Leo would never forgive me," Zo said finally.

Riario shrugged. "If I cannot stop myself and I cannot end my own life, someone must. To protect others, to protect Leonardo."

Bile rose in Zo's throat, not only from the hangover. "Then just fix this," Zo said and pushed himself to his feet. He was going to make it outside and into a convenient bush before he succumbed.

Riario blocked him, and Zo sighed. "Get well. Try harder. You beat the Labyrinth conditioning once, and you're a hard-headed bastard, you can do it again. Change yourself and actually be the man he thinks you are."

"But you know better," Riario's eyes glittered dangerously.

Zo shrugged. "Leo loves a challenge, loves to beat the odds. He could be doing all of this just for spite, a big fuck-you to the entire world who's telling him he can't do it. But, not in this case. He's doing this for you. It's up to you how you repay him."

Riario looked stunned so Zo took the opportunity to step around him and weave toward the door unsteadily. He grabbed the doorframe and looked back, "And if you decide to repay him with your body, please wait until I've gotten over this hangover. I'm not sure how much more I can take."

He went out and made it around the corner of the house. It wasn't just the excess drinking that made him sick. Zo really hoped things got better soon; the only thing worse than an ill, murderous Riario was a suicidal one. For more reasons than Zo cared to admit, he was rooting for the bastard to overcome whatever was wrong and go back to his old, stabby self. He really hoped Leo was right, and he hoped they had the time to find out.


	9. Chapter 9

Every fandom needs that one really bizarre fic where all the characters are cats. So, here it is.

Do I need to mention that this is crack fic? THIS IS CRACK FIC.

* * *

 **Rated:** G, although Zo as a cat still swears

 **Pairing:** Leo/Riario

 **Warning:** Cats. Crack. I tried to be funny. I'm sorry.

(Can I claim this is an April Fools' fic? Yes, let's do that.)

Idriseleven and I were talking about her incredible dramatic fic Veritas and discussing canon!Leo, as you do, and she reminded me that Leo "married" Ima with Lucrezia's ring in S2 and called him "Such a tomcat!"

That comment stuck with me because my weird brain latches on to mental pictures like that and so the da Vinci kitties were born.

* * *

"It's a perfect night to be out, wild, young and free," Leo rubbed up against Zo's shoulder and butted his head.

"Yes, well, you won't be saying that after we're run out of the fishmonger's again. You know he found out his wife has been giving us scraps and he threatened to turn the hose on us next time."

"So we just have to be smarter, sneakier," Leo replied and nudged Zo again.

"Smart enough to stay away from the little wire boxes that have conveniently placed treats in them?" Zo turned back to look at Nico who promptly sat down and began to wash his back industriously, the better to make the point he was ignoring Zo's barb.

"Lay off the kid, Zo. He'll learn. We just need to teach him better about the traps."

"At least he wears a collar with a tag," Zo said. "Too bad we can't get one of those little dingley bells for it. At least give the kid something to do for fun."

Leo didn't bother to warn Zo that Nico was on his feet and in one leaping bound had tackled Zo and rolled him over. The half-grown white Persian kitten didn't stand much of a chance; Zo was a fully grown, black tortoiseshell tom and he'd forgotten more about fighting than Nico had yet learned. He let the kitten get in some kicks and a bite on his thick neck ruff before Zo rolled him over and pinned him. Then he ferociously groomed Nico's face.

"Zo! Let me go!" Nico yowled, but Zo kept it up. Leo sat down to watch when he heard it—the quiet voice that hid in the shadows.

"Leonardo," it hissed even though his name had no sibilants. Leo's hackles rose and his ears went back instinctively.

Zo stopped the bathing and grumbled lowly, "Not him again. He's the one who needs a fucking bell."

A darker shadow moved in the corner of Leo's vision and slinked toward him. Only the big, bright golden eyes were visible in the dim light of the alley.

"It's you again," Leo said flatly, ears still pinned back as he tracked the movement toward him.

"I thought you would be out, on a night such as this," Riario stalked around him, slowly circling ever closer.

"How'd you get out? Your creepy old man leave the front door open again?" Zo growled at him.

"I will always find a way to get to you, Leonardo." Riario stopped just to the side of Leo, his back arched gracefully, his sleek black fur puffing out a little more. His low voice rasped out a warning, and Leo echoed one back.

Riario struck in an instant, but Leo was ready. They rolled and fought, back legs kicking with power, front legs grabbing and holding. Their sharp teeth bit and slid off muscle. Leo might have been a stray but his street smarts and strength held up well against the well-fed and pampered Riario.

It was a fight they indulged in every night Riario could escape from the Pope house. He always managed to find Leo somehow, no matter where he was roaming, and yowl threats at him until they fought. The challenge usually lasted until some human threw something at them or turned on the sprinklers to send them both running away in defeat.

"I will have you," Riario growled between biting at Leo's throat.

Leo was never sure what he meant when he said things like that, so he kicked hard, trying to rake his claws into Riario's belly.

"Come with me. My human has plenty of food. I have all the comforts we could ever desire." Riario scrabbled to his feet so he could dive back on top of Leo.

"You want me to become a housecat!? You're insane!"

"It wouldn't be a bad life. We would rule the household together."

"Trapped? In a house? The next thing you know, I'd be neutered!" The mere thought of it made Leo fight harder.

"I am certainly not," Riario spit at him.

"Yes, but you have a pedigree. I'm just a bastard."

"Not to me," Riario bit down on Leo's ear, and Leo winced, expecting a sharp tear. Instead, Riario licked it.

Leo was stunned, but he turned the gesture to his advantage and rolled Riario again, this time fighting until he was atop Riario's back, holding him down with his sheer mass and weight.

To his surprise again, Riario didn't struggle. Instead, he began to purr.

It sounded nice. It felt good. Leo leaned down and rubbed his cheek against the side of Riario's face, and Riario turned his face into the touch.

"Oh for fuck's sake, Nico, let's get out of here. Now," Zo squawled loudly.

"Why? What if Leo needs us?"

"Leo does not need us. Now come on, before you see something that you're too young to know about yet."

Leo heard their arguing move away as he started purring in response to Riario's insistent rumbling. He'd known it was a good night to be out, and now it was even more promising.

* * *

 **NOTES:** In my mind, Leo is a giant short-haired yellow tabby tom, Riario is a sleek black Bombay. Zo is a long-haired black tortoiseshell, Nico a long-haired white Persian kitten. Leo has a home with Andrea when he wants because Andrea always puts out food for him and leaves a window open, but it's way more fun to be out with the stray Zo and Nico, a kitten who slips out of his yard whenever he can. Lucrezia is a purebred Siamese. Vanessa is an Angora mix. Lorenzo and Giuliano are Maine coons. And I'm actually a dog person, but I've known a lot of cats!


End file.
